The Friendship Recession- How We Got Here & What You Can Do About It
“It’s really hard to make adult friendships”
“I’ve just been feeling so lonely lately”
“I want to be part of a village”
“None of my friends are in this phase of life”
I hear these words in therapy sessions, on FaceTime with friends in other states, sometimes in my own mind. Whether it was a dramatic shift, or it happened so gradually you didn’t notice it happening, here we are. “Was it COVID? Did it happen while I was in grad school? Is it because I’m single and my friends are having kids?” I sit with people several hours a week trying to make sense of how the loneliness creeped in and became such a loud presence.
Maybe this resonates with you. It’s not that you did anything wrong, it’s not that those friendships were neglected, they look different now. It used to be Tuesday happy hour, but now maybe it looks like monthly FaceTime calls, sending periodic voice notes, getting together for big milestone events a few times a year. I am so grateful that we have the ability to keep in touch through technology, but it can leave us in this weird limbo between connection and distance.
I believe there are a few factors at play here. From personal observation and studies such as Changes in social relationships during an initial “stay-at-home” phase of the COVID-19 pandemic: A longitudinal survey study in the U.S. and The Friendship Recession: The Lost Art of Connecting I have determined that we became more comfortable maintaining friendships online (or letting go of them completely) as we were forced to frequent less third-spaces. As the cost of daily living rises, more folks have been picking up gig work on top of their 9-5, meaning there is less time available to create and maintain connections. Factors such as work as social identity, focus on nuclear family, and reduced community engagement also play a role. Carolyn Bruckmann notes, “Taken together, these trends suggest that Americans are increasingly retreating inward instead of engaging in communal activities. Friendship is no longer seen as an integral part of daily life, but rather something we squeeze in when all our other responsibilities have been met.”
The first step in combatting the Friendship Recession is by intentionally appraising what factors contribute to your social landscape. Is it time, resources, social anxiety, proximity, or lack of shared interests that has made friendship difficult lately? Don’t forget to also consider the positives you bring to the table or the resources you have. Are you passionate about certain topics? Do you thrive in group settings or are you able to connect most deeply one-on-one? Do you have a space (a nearby park, a rooftop) where people can gather?
Step two is to think outside of the box. There are many ways you can get connected with others that are free or low-cost. You could join a local civic organization, volunteer at an animal shelter or food bank or join a pen-pal club. Low on time? Try something with a monthly commitment like a book club, dinner club, or museum events. If you have more time to commit, shared time and experiences increase the likelihood of connecting with others. Weekly events like an art class, run club, or trivia have been tried and true ways folks I know have made lasting friendships. If you want to meet multiple times a week, try showing up at the same time for playdates at the dog park, or working out at the rock-climbing gym. If you have a block of time for something more intensive, try a travel volunteer project, auditing a college class, or an artist residency to spend a few weeks learning something new.
Step three is taking the plunge and committing to showing up for the duration of your activity! Try not to get discouraged if you don’t walk out with someone’s contact info after your first meet up. Friendships take time to build! Researchers estimate that it can take 50 hours for someone to move from an acquaintance to a casual friend. That being said, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there! After a 10-day printmaking artist residency I walked away with a life-long friend.
Still feel like you need a little support getting started? Reach out to us at Redefine or a therapy practice near you for help gearing up for those first steps.
